Blogger Bomb

I've moved my blog to http://panda64.wordpress.com/ , I had enough of Blogger cocking up the spacing of paragraphs and the generally shit content of this blog (definitely not my fault). Why not got to the new one? It's just as shit but at least the paragraphs will correctly space.

Bye.

Obama Needs A Holiday

A silly letter I've written to US Ambassador to the UK, Louis Susman. He seems rather nice so I'm sure he'll give my proposition a lot of though.

Ambassador Louis Susman

American Embassy

24-31 Grosvenor Square
London 

W1A 1AE

Dear Mr Susman


Subject; Leading The USA (for two weeks)

Let me start with a quote.

'Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society'.

I love this quote from the great American Mark Twain, I read it around twenty times a day, and every time it inspires me to put another layer of clothes on. So by the end of the day I am far from naked, I'm an influential ball of cotton, ready to step (roll) outside and take on the world. I hope this insight in to my daily routine underlines my credentials for this role I seek. What role I hear you ask? Patience Mr Susman, allow me to explain.


My name is Alex Ander, I have been working as a freelance world leader for around two weeks. This means that I'm available to run any country in the world nearly all year (I can't do the weekend of the 16th of October, there's a orchard keepers convention that I'm due to sing at). 

So my proposition to your world famous country is that whenever your wonderful leader President Barack Obama wants to have a break (for instance, a self catering holiday in Benidorm), I step in and take the reigns. I think I'm suitable for this role as I have mediated over 30 (31) domestic disputes in my life, and I suppose running a country is just like a domestic dispute but with more speeches (though I do tend to sign off domestic disputes with a speech).

Now I must get on to the tricky subject of payment. I have very competitive rates if you wish to pay in me in US Dollars, alternatively I would also do this work for no monetary gain. Instead I would do the work in exchange for a spot on Mount Rushmoor. I have been practising my pose and would be available to sit in front of the Mountain as a life model for as many years as it takes to finish, obviously apart from the 16th of October. Here is an artist's (I'm not really an artist) impression of how the finished article may look.

I have attached my CV which I'm sure will highlight why I am over qualified for this job. If you are worried about my nationality causing a problem, don't worry! I have always lived on a canal boat in international waters so have no nationality. The return address goes to my dubious accountant in the UK who rows out to me to deliver my mail once a decade.

Thanks in advance

Kind regards

Alex Ander

Freelance World Leader

I recently decided I needed a career change. I was fed up of the lack of opportunities in the cosmonaut sector, so decided to become a Freelance World Leader. I think I might be the only one on earth so securing a job is going to be easy.

I've spent the last week writing to every country in the world in alphabetical order, asking for a job, as their temporary president. I'm on to the Cs now, it turns out that there are many, many countries.

Here is the letter I've sent to the Albanian ambassador to the UK, Zef Mazi:

Embassy Of The Brilliant Republic Of Albania

33 St. George’s Drive

London

SW1V 4DG

7/02/2010

Dear Mr. Zef Mazi

Subject; Leading The Brilliant Republic Of Albania (for two weeks)

I hope you are well Mr Mazi. Before you ask, yes I'm well too.

Did you notice I put the word 'brilliant' in to the name of your country? This would be my first decree in my short stint in charge or The Brilliant Republic Of Albania. But of course I'm getting ahead of myself here, please let me explain.

My name is Alex Voakes, I have been working as a Freelance World Leader for around two weeks. This means that I'm available to run any country in the world nearly all year (I can't do January 23rd, It's somebody's birthday. I can't recall whose it is? Do you know?). So as far as I can tell I'm the most flexible World Leader on earth (time wise, my muscles are very tight). 

So my proposition to your great country of The Brilliant Republic Of Albania is that whenever your wonderful leader Bamir Topi wants to have a break (for instance a trip to the zoo), I step in and run the ship (country). 

I love The Brilliant Republic Of Albania, I have even written a song to sing on my inauguration, I think the Worldwide television audience is going to love it. It is sung to the tune of Peter Andre's 'Insania', I do hope you like it.

I've had a look around

It was Albania I found

Am I what you need?

Yes, I can satisfy your greed

This is my brilliant regime

I'm following my dreams

I'm the World's best Freelance Leader

CHORUS

Do do do do do

Do do do do do

Do do do do do

I lead Albania

Do do do do do

Do do do do do

Do do do do do

I love Albania!

I think the performance would only need around 400 traditional Albanian dancers, and perhaps a 500 gun salute. Also, would President Topi be interested in composing a rap to go with the song, it could symbolise the transfer of power (from him, to me).

I have attached my CV which I'm sure will highlight why I am over qualified for this job. If you are worried about my nationality causing a problem, don't worry! I have always lived on a canal boat in International waters so have no Nationality! Another hurdle vaulted!

Thanks in advance

Kind regards

Alex Voakes

Duck Kiev

This is a short story of the strangest thing I've ever seen. Parts of this tale may be false as I was in such a state of confusion at the time that the details are a bit hazy. 

First a very small amount of context. I was driving a car from London to Mongolia, my Fiat Panda rolled in to Kiev on the 14th of July 2008. I was growing a moustache. That's all the context you're getting, you'll have to imagine my stench yourself (Fun huh? Of course it is!).

Our band of weary travellers entered the city of Kiev with very low morale. We had spent the previous night camped by a lake just outside the city that had an extraordinary amount of used condoms lying around. It could well have been a popular dogging spot, or maybe a condom recycling plant, I have little idea.

As we followed signs for the centre of town, we began to look for somewhere to eat. With a very limited grasp on the Cyrillic alphabet this was proving to be quite difficult. Wait! What's this on the horizon? It looks like the indistinct concrete of a shopping mall! We're saved! (This has been dramatised somewhat, the actual exchange was probably more like, 'Is that a shopping centre?', 'yes, we should eat', 'yes, we probably should'.)  

We parked up in the spacious car park. The car park attendants where wearing blue camouflage, when they weren't blending in to the grey concrete surroundings they looked pretty good. 

At first this mall seemed to be identical to every other one in the world. For such a bland format it's certainly very popular, much like water. But then we came across something very strange indeed, a red carpet leading in to a fountain. It was roped off and guarded by some handsome men in tuxedos, there was a crowd gathering around. How exciting! We had wandered in to a shopping mall and were going to be treated to a celebrity appearance while we were there. But why was this celebrity going to wander down the red carpet and in to a fountain? Perhaps they were a swimmer, yes that's it, it must be a famous swimmer. The famous swimmer was going to walk around the corner and then splash about in the small fountain.

We waited, the excitement was building. Then a tinny fan fare rang through the mall, the show was about to begin, some yelped with excitement, I was sporting my stern, curious face. The famous swimmer was about to be unveiled.

This is were the details get a little bit hazy as confusion and shock left me disorientated, and alone, I was so alone. Instead of the human we were expecting to take to the red carpet, a raft of ducks waddled around the corner, marched down the red carpet and in to the fountain. The crowd were delighted, the smart security guards were non nonplussed, they'd seen it all before, I was speechless.

Here is photographic some photographic evidence. The grand piano you can see here was being played by a giant stuffed bear.

I've never been the same since this day.

Nick Griffin - Moustache Denier

The leader of the British National Party, Nick Griffin, appeared on the BBC's flagship political programme Question Time last night. All day every single human in the country discussed whether the show should go ahead or not, and if it did, what would Griffin say.

The show did go ahead, and no one could have possibly guessed what was to transpire.

As soon as Griffin showed his face, it was plain to see to all those watching, that he was sporting a toothbrush moustache. The audience were horrified at his audacity, they urged David Dimbleby to probe him on the subject, so he did just that.

"Mr Griffin, what does your choice of moustache say about your political views?"

"Excuse me David, I have no idea what you're talking about".

"That moustache on your top lip, is it based on the facial hair of Adolf Hitler?"

"I think you've made a mistake, I do not have a moustache".

"I'm sorry Mr Griffin, but it's plain to see to all those present that you have a moustache, are you denying your moustache?"

"I don't have a moustache, and I have never been convicted of moustache denial".

"You may not have been convicted of it, but do you believe that the moustache sitting on your face right now, never happened?"

"Yes, I believe that it never happened, it simply doesn't exist".

"Could we fetch Mr Griffin a mirror so he can see his moustache", Dimbleby asked the floor manager. The audience jeered, they knew they had their man on the ropes.

Mr Griffin was presented with the mirror, he slowly raised it to his face, and then he saw that ghastly moustache, he was stunned.

"Do you see your moustache now Mr Griffin?"

"Yes, I can see the moustache".

"Why did you deny you had one a minute ago then?"

“I cannot explain why I used to say those things, any more than I can tell you why I have changed my mind. I was very critical of the way in which my moustache was, and is, abused to prevent serious discussion. I have changed my mind, one of the key things that made me change my mind was British radio intercepts of German transmissions about the toothbrush moustache perched on my top lip."

"And looking in that mirror, and seeing the moustache on your face?"

"Yes, partly the mirror, partly the transmission".

When the BNP and Nick Griffin can so readily deny the existence of a very real moustache, their opinions on anything else are completely worthless.

Hu Jintao Automotive Centaur

October 1st 2009 was The People's Republic of China's 60th birthday, and they were going to mark the occasion with a great show piece event. The president Hu Jintao had been building up the event on the news for weeks, expectations were high.

It started in the time honoured communist fashion of parading phallic objects through a big square. The crowd naturally went nuts, in the words of George Michael, 'there's nothing like opening a gig with a military hardware showcase'.

They followed this up with some impeccable goose-stepping, a tank dance routine, and an appearance of the London bus that featured at the Olympics last summer. It was an excellent show, but China had something special up its sleeve, and this time it wasn't a phallic object.

The suspense was unbearable as the crowd awaited their president Hu Jintao's appearance, he promised much in the run up to this event, and Hu doesn't like to disappoint. All eyes were fixed on the end of the road, and then there he was, so majestic, torso standing proud out of the sunroof of his car, he was here, and everything was going to be ok.

Hu began to speak, his voice reverberated around the stands, people fell silent.

'I am your leader, Hu, Hu Jintao', said Hu. 'Did you enjoy the military hardware? I thought you would, everyone like missiles shaped like schlongs don't they? Anyway, I, Hu, The Great Hu, am here to tell you all about a incredible operation our leading scientists have conducted on me. You may notice that there is nobody driving this car, that is because I am driving it with my mind, I'm am one with the car, I am the world's first Automotive Centaur'.

The crowd gasped, how could this be possible? Hu knew they would be wondering this, so he explained all.

'Silence humans, your dear Automotive Centaur is speaking again. I did this for you, the humans of China. It was a very painful and expensive operation, but our countries greatest scientists worked day and night to make it possible. I am now completely fused to this automobile, I can even turn on the hazard warning lights with the power of my mind', the crowd were hysterical, never had they felt such love for a car.

Hu continued with his rhetoric as he rolled through Tiananmen Square, there was not a dry eye in the country. Hu had shown such sacrifice to mark the 60th anniversary of his nation, and his people were showing their appreciation.

As Hu neared the end of the route, he brought his speech to a close; 'With me, your great leader, now part car, The People's Republic of China can finally reach its true potential and become the most powerful nation on earth, but first I must get my MOT, so I'll leave you with these spectacular fireworks.'

And with that, Hu Jintao Automotive Centaur was gone. He'll be back though, as long as the traffic is good.

Barney The Movie

Another day another barrage of emails to Live From Studio Five. The first riveting topic of the day was who should play Barbie in the new Barbie film. Slipping in to my disguise of a a 72 year old man once more, here it is:

Dear Live From Studio Five

I can't believe they're making a Barnie film! My grandsons love that dinosaur! They also love Whether's Orginals, but that's a whole other story (maybe one I could come into the studio and talk about?).

Anyway, Wherther's aside for a moment, why not give Wrighty the job! It doesn't really matter who plays him as they wear a big suit, but I still think Wrighty would bring an extra dimension to the role. My only concern is his bad ankle, I hope it gets better, has he tried a homoeopathic remedy yet?

Sometimes people call me a dinosaur! Can you believe that? I don't even have the most basic of reptilian attributes. Does Wrighty ever get called I dinosaur?

Kindest regards

Love the show

I really do

Alex

Unfortunately this one nor the others I sent were read out, a real shame, but I live to fight another day.

Wrighty's Dance

Yesterday I was determined to be a part of Live From Studio Five. My plan was simply to flood them with emails on every subject they discussed in the show.

The first topic of the day was 'Is Brucie too old to present Strictly'. I cunningly disguised myself as a 72 year old man, as I thought this may increase my chances of getting a mention. This is the email I sent:

Dear Wrighty, Melinda and Sir Alan Sugar's friend

Love the show, and the topics, but mainly I like the show.

Regarding the primary topic of the day, I think Brucie is definetlly too old to present Strictly, why not give the job to Wrighty? Or is he older than Brucie?

I'm sorry, I'm a little old myself (72 and a half) and occasionally lose my sense of judging a humans age. I'm sure Wrighty understands being a distinguished gentleman himself.

In fact, I once asked what turned out to be a eleven year old child what he did during the war! But in my defence he was wearing a top hat and filling out a pensions claim form. Thinking about it, he may have been quite old, I just can't remember.

Anyway I must be going, as while writing this e-letter I'm missing the show. Did I mention I love the show? Well I do, I really do.

I will now sign off with my name in the time honoured fashion, where are my manners?

Here they are

Kindest regards

Love the show

I really do

Alex

Well they only bloody read it out! Well not all of it, just the third line. Kate read it off of a print out though, so I can only hope they read the rest of it.

Wrighty's reaction was mixed. He initially said that he couldn't host Strictly due to his bad ankle, he clearly thinks Brucie shows off some acrobatics while he's hosting the show. After some persuasion, Wrighty changed his tune and thought that he would be the perfect host for the show. He battled through his ankle pain to give us a vulgar hip gyration. The cameraman slowly zoomed in on his swaying groin as we went to the break, I was crying with laughter.

I'll be sending in some more emails today in the hope of making Wrighty do some more dancing, simple pleasures.

Live From Studio Five

TV history was made this week, Keith Chegwin's 'Naked Jungle' was surpassed as the worst programme ever broadcast on these isles. 'Live From Studio Five' is a daily magazine show on Five, and it is awful.

Five's website describe the show as:

'An early evening news and entertainment show with a difference. A mix of celebrity interviews, gossip and banter wrapped around a popular news agenda that everyone's talking about.'

The 'difference' they refer to is, while something like 'The One Show' is shit, 'Live From Studio Five' is really shit.

I'm probably the only person in the country who Sky+s (yes, that is definitely a word) this show everyday. I will now report some of the horrors I've witnessed in its first week.

The first thing you will notice when tuning in is the brightness of Studio Five's lights. They should be commended for the scientific breakthrough of creating lights as bright as the sun, unfortunately such powerful lights aren't ideal for a TV show. One of the millions of ways these lights could be put to better use is to send them up to the International Space Station, and then shine a constant spotlight on Mick Hucknall, hopefully he might get annoyed.

Our hosts for this hour of first class entertainment are Ian Wright (Wrighty), Melinda Messenger and Kate Walsh (one of the rascals from The Apprentice). A triumvirate strong enough to warrant 5 hours of prime TV a week? Unfortunately not, they simply spend the whole hour shouting over each other. If 'Wrighty' isn't making an idiotic comment he's mumbling under his breath about the idiotic comment one of his co presenters has said. It is initially infuriating hearing them constantly interrupting each other, but it becomes a real highlight the show it. So much so that I start to get irritated when they are allowing each other to finish their sentences.

Your probably wondering how the trio cope with some serious subjects like the Trident debate. Well it was certainly an angle on the story that I hadn't heard in the more traditional news outlets. They covered the story alongside one about saving panda bears. Melinda thought it was absolutely crucial that we scrapped all the Trident submarines, and spent all the money on 'saving the pandas'. A noble cause, but Wrighty wasn't impressed, 'what about all the other animals?', quite right Wrighty, what would become of all the other animals? A sobering thought.

Another important subjects we are treated to is Heidi Klum's baby bump. Our heroes are all astounded by the sheer size of it, Kate speculates that she may be giving birth to a walrus. Wrighty hasn't said anything regarding the bump yet, but wait, another picture shows her standing next to Seal (rose kisser), Wrighty sees his opportunity and chimes in with 'LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HIS HEAD!'.

Unfortunately the two girls missed the Seal's hefty cranium, instead of seamlessly moving on Wrighty insists they look at the photo again. We have to wait for about a minute before the production crew manage to get the picture back up, as we hear is Wrighty's mumbling assurances at how big Seal's head is. The tension was unbearable as they unveiled Seal's head once more, as it turned out, Seal does have a big head, Wrighty was delighted.

After teasing all ten of their viewers for the past hour about this interview, it's finally here. The world stands still, Kate Walsh meets Danny Dyer. After some mild flirting between the star duo, conversation turns to Danny Dyer's new film 'Jack Said'. Now let's go back to Five's description of this show, 'a popular news agenda that everyone's talking about', I don't think even Dyer's parents or his deadly friends are talking about his new film. Oh yes, he must be one of their celebrity interviews, their terrible celebrity interviews.

Seek out this train wreck while you can, as it's not going to be around for long. We'll miss it when it's gone.

Finnish Financial Fraud

I recently received a phone call from my bank regarding suspicious activity on my card. This is the second time this year they have called me about a human (maybe an animal - unlikely though) in Finland trying to take some of my money, they probably want to buy some new shoes.

The lady on the phone hastily described to me the severity of the situation. We went through the usual security questions, and then she asked me if I was sure I wasn't in Finland last week, I replied that I was quite certain.

It didn't end there though, to make sure I wasn't being forgetful about my whereabouts she pushed further to find out where I had been. I thought for a minute, 'I think I may have been in London', an awkward pause followed, as if she expected me to suddenly remember that I had mistaken London for Helsinki, again. Still slightly sceptical that I may be in on the whole scam of trying to steal my own money, she relented and agreed to cancel the card and send me a new one. My money was saved, I did a fist pump, that was that.

My card must have been copied when I was in Finland in January. This was quite a long time ago now, so you may suspect a criminal mastermind was behind this. A crook patient enough to sit on those card details for 8 months, playing the long game before snatching all £40 that sit in my spacious account. I only used my card once on that trip, and it was in a tat shop manned by a seemingly lovely old lady (incidentally, it was one of the worst tat shops I have ever been to, featuring a 'I Love Brussels' T-shirt). While I was purchasing a bar of soap, she was copying the card and thinking of all those beautiful things she could buy with my money, what a bitch.

So if you are ever in Helsinki, don't go in the tat shop opposite Helsinki Cathedral. The lady in there may look lovely, but inside she has a heart of petty crime.