Nick Griffin - Moustache Denier

The leader of the British National Party, Nick Griffin, appeared on the BBC's flagship political programme Question Time last night. All day every single human in the country discussed whether the show should go ahead or not, and if it did, what would Griffin say.

The show did go ahead, and no one could have possibly guessed what was to transpire.

As soon as Griffin showed his face, it was plain to see to all those watching, that he was sporting a toothbrush moustache. The audience were horrified at his audacity, they urged David Dimbleby to probe him on the subject, so he did just that.

"Mr Griffin, what does your choice of moustache say about your political views?"

"Excuse me David, I have no idea what you're talking about".

"That moustache on your top lip, is it based on the facial hair of Adolf Hitler?"

"I think you've made a mistake, I do not have a moustache".

"I'm sorry Mr Griffin, but it's plain to see to all those present that you have a moustache, are you denying your moustache?"

"I don't have a moustache, and I have never been convicted of moustache denial".

"You may not have been convicted of it, but do you believe that the moustache sitting on your face right now, never happened?"

"Yes, I believe that it never happened, it simply doesn't exist".

"Could we fetch Mr Griffin a mirror so he can see his moustache", Dimbleby asked the floor manager. The audience jeered, they knew they had their man on the ropes.

Mr Griffin was presented with the mirror, he slowly raised it to his face, and then he saw that ghastly moustache, he was stunned.

"Do you see your moustache now Mr Griffin?"

"Yes, I can see the moustache".

"Why did you deny you had one a minute ago then?"

“I cannot explain why I used to say those things, any more than I can tell you why I have changed my mind. I was very critical of the way in which my moustache was, and is, abused to prevent serious discussion. I have changed my mind, one of the key things that made me change my mind was British radio intercepts of German transmissions about the toothbrush moustache perched on my top lip."

"And looking in that mirror, and seeing the moustache on your face?"

"Yes, partly the mirror, partly the transmission".

When the BNP and Nick Griffin can so readily deny the existence of a very real moustache, their opinions on anything else are completely worthless.

Hu Jintao Automotive Centaur

October 1st 2009 was The People's Republic of China's 60th birthday, and they were going to mark the occasion with a great show piece event. The president Hu Jintao had been building up the event on the news for weeks, expectations were high.

It started in the time honoured communist fashion of parading phallic objects through a big square. The crowd naturally went nuts, in the words of George Michael, 'there's nothing like opening a gig with a military hardware showcase'.

They followed this up with some impeccable goose-stepping, a tank dance routine, and an appearance of the London bus that featured at the Olympics last summer. It was an excellent show, but China had something special up its sleeve, and this time it wasn't a phallic object.

The suspense was unbearable as the crowd awaited their president Hu Jintao's appearance, he promised much in the run up to this event, and Hu doesn't like to disappoint. All eyes were fixed on the end of the road, and then there he was, so majestic, torso standing proud out of the sunroof of his car, he was here, and everything was going to be ok.

Hu began to speak, his voice reverberated around the stands, people fell silent.

'I am your leader, Hu, Hu Jintao', said Hu. 'Did you enjoy the military hardware? I thought you would, everyone like missiles shaped like schlongs don't they? Anyway, I, Hu, The Great Hu, am here to tell you all about a incredible operation our leading scientists have conducted on me. You may notice that there is nobody driving this car, that is because I am driving it with my mind, I'm am one with the car, I am the world's first Automotive Centaur'.

The crowd gasped, how could this be possible? Hu knew they would be wondering this, so he explained all.

'Silence humans, your dear Automotive Centaur is speaking again. I did this for you, the humans of China. It was a very painful and expensive operation, but our countries greatest scientists worked day and night to make it possible. I am now completely fused to this automobile, I can even turn on the hazard warning lights with the power of my mind', the crowd were hysterical, never had they felt such love for a car.

Hu continued with his rhetoric as he rolled through Tiananmen Square, there was not a dry eye in the country. Hu had shown such sacrifice to mark the 60th anniversary of his nation, and his people were showing their appreciation.

As Hu neared the end of the route, he brought his speech to a close; 'With me, your great leader, now part car, The People's Republic of China can finally reach its true potential and become the most powerful nation on earth, but first I must get my MOT, so I'll leave you with these spectacular fireworks.'

And with that, Hu Jintao Automotive Centaur was gone. He'll be back though, as long as the traffic is good.

Barney The Movie

Another day another barrage of emails to Live From Studio Five. The first riveting topic of the day was who should play Barbie in the new Barbie film. Slipping in to my disguise of a a 72 year old man once more, here it is:

Dear Live From Studio Five

I can't believe they're making a Barnie film! My grandsons love that dinosaur! They also love Whether's Orginals, but that's a whole other story (maybe one I could come into the studio and talk about?).

Anyway, Wherther's aside for a moment, why not give Wrighty the job! It doesn't really matter who plays him as they wear a big suit, but I still think Wrighty would bring an extra dimension to the role. My only concern is his bad ankle, I hope it gets better, has he tried a homoeopathic remedy yet?

Sometimes people call me a dinosaur! Can you believe that? I don't even have the most basic of reptilian attributes. Does Wrighty ever get called I dinosaur?

Kindest regards

Love the show

I really do

Alex

Unfortunately this one nor the others I sent were read out, a real shame, but I live to fight another day.

Wrighty's Dance

Yesterday I was determined to be a part of Live From Studio Five. My plan was simply to flood them with emails on every subject they discussed in the show.

The first topic of the day was 'Is Brucie too old to present Strictly'. I cunningly disguised myself as a 72 year old man, as I thought this may increase my chances of getting a mention. This is the email I sent:

Dear Wrighty, Melinda and Sir Alan Sugar's friend

Love the show, and the topics, but mainly I like the show.

Regarding the primary topic of the day, I think Brucie is definetlly too old to present Strictly, why not give the job to Wrighty? Or is he older than Brucie?

I'm sorry, I'm a little old myself (72 and a half) and occasionally lose my sense of judging a humans age. I'm sure Wrighty understands being a distinguished gentleman himself.

In fact, I once asked what turned out to be a eleven year old child what he did during the war! But in my defence he was wearing a top hat and filling out a pensions claim form. Thinking about it, he may have been quite old, I just can't remember.

Anyway I must be going, as while writing this e-letter I'm missing the show. Did I mention I love the show? Well I do, I really do.

I will now sign off with my name in the time honoured fashion, where are my manners?

Here they are

Kindest regards

Love the show

I really do

Alex

Well they only bloody read it out! Well not all of it, just the third line. Kate read it off of a print out though, so I can only hope they read the rest of it.

Wrighty's reaction was mixed. He initially said that he couldn't host Strictly due to his bad ankle, he clearly thinks Brucie shows off some acrobatics while he's hosting the show. After some persuasion, Wrighty changed his tune and thought that he would be the perfect host for the show. He battled through his ankle pain to give us a vulgar hip gyration. The cameraman slowly zoomed in on his swaying groin as we went to the break, I was crying with laughter.

I'll be sending in some more emails today in the hope of making Wrighty do some more dancing, simple pleasures.

Live From Studio Five

TV history was made this week, Keith Chegwin's 'Naked Jungle' was surpassed as the worst programme ever broadcast on these isles. 'Live From Studio Five' is a daily magazine show on Five, and it is awful.

Five's website describe the show as:

'An early evening news and entertainment show with a difference. A mix of celebrity interviews, gossip and banter wrapped around a popular news agenda that everyone's talking about.'

The 'difference' they refer to is, while something like 'The One Show' is shit, 'Live From Studio Five' is really shit.

I'm probably the only person in the country who Sky+s (yes, that is definitely a word) this show everyday. I will now report some of the horrors I've witnessed in its first week.

The first thing you will notice when tuning in is the brightness of Studio Five's lights. They should be commended for the scientific breakthrough of creating lights as bright as the sun, unfortunately such powerful lights aren't ideal for a TV show. One of the millions of ways these lights could be put to better use is to send them up to the International Space Station, and then shine a constant spotlight on Mick Hucknall, hopefully he might get annoyed.

Our hosts for this hour of first class entertainment are Ian Wright (Wrighty), Melinda Messenger and Kate Walsh (one of the rascals from The Apprentice). A triumvirate strong enough to warrant 5 hours of prime TV a week? Unfortunately not, they simply spend the whole hour shouting over each other. If 'Wrighty' isn't making an idiotic comment he's mumbling under his breath about the idiotic comment one of his co presenters has said. It is initially infuriating hearing them constantly interrupting each other, but it becomes a real highlight the show it. So much so that I start to get irritated when they are allowing each other to finish their sentences.

Your probably wondering how the trio cope with some serious subjects like the Trident debate. Well it was certainly an angle on the story that I hadn't heard in the more traditional news outlets. They covered the story alongside one about saving panda bears. Melinda thought it was absolutely crucial that we scrapped all the Trident submarines, and spent all the money on 'saving the pandas'. A noble cause, but Wrighty wasn't impressed, 'what about all the other animals?', quite right Wrighty, what would become of all the other animals? A sobering thought.

Another important subjects we are treated to is Heidi Klum's baby bump. Our heroes are all astounded by the sheer size of it, Kate speculates that she may be giving birth to a walrus. Wrighty hasn't said anything regarding the bump yet, but wait, another picture shows her standing next to Seal (rose kisser), Wrighty sees his opportunity and chimes in with 'LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HIS HEAD!'.

Unfortunately the two girls missed the Seal's hefty cranium, instead of seamlessly moving on Wrighty insists they look at the photo again. We have to wait for about a minute before the production crew manage to get the picture back up, as we hear is Wrighty's mumbling assurances at how big Seal's head is. The tension was unbearable as they unveiled Seal's head once more, as it turned out, Seal does have a big head, Wrighty was delighted.

After teasing all ten of their viewers for the past hour about this interview, it's finally here. The world stands still, Kate Walsh meets Danny Dyer. After some mild flirting between the star duo, conversation turns to Danny Dyer's new film 'Jack Said'. Now let's go back to Five's description of this show, 'a popular news agenda that everyone's talking about', I don't think even Dyer's parents or his deadly friends are talking about his new film. Oh yes, he must be one of their celebrity interviews, their terrible celebrity interviews.

Seek out this train wreck while you can, as it's not going to be around for long. We'll miss it when it's gone.

Finnish Financial Fraud

I recently received a phone call from my bank regarding suspicious activity on my card. This is the second time this year they have called me about a human (maybe an animal - unlikely though) in Finland trying to take some of my money, they probably want to buy some new shoes.

The lady on the phone hastily described to me the severity of the situation. We went through the usual security questions, and then she asked me if I was sure I wasn't in Finland last week, I replied that I was quite certain.

It didn't end there though, to make sure I wasn't being forgetful about my whereabouts she pushed further to find out where I had been. I thought for a minute, 'I think I may have been in London', an awkward pause followed, as if she expected me to suddenly remember that I had mistaken London for Helsinki, again. Still slightly sceptical that I may be in on the whole scam of trying to steal my own money, she relented and agreed to cancel the card and send me a new one. My money was saved, I did a fist pump, that was that.

My card must have been copied when I was in Finland in January. This was quite a long time ago now, so you may suspect a criminal mastermind was behind this. A crook patient enough to sit on those card details for 8 months, playing the long game before snatching all £40 that sit in my spacious account. I only used my card once on that trip, and it was in a tat shop manned by a seemingly lovely old lady (incidentally, it was one of the worst tat shops I have ever been to, featuring a 'I Love Brussels' T-shirt). While I was purchasing a bar of soap, she was copying the card and thinking of all those beautiful things she could buy with my money, what a bitch.

So if you are ever in Helsinki, don't go in the tat shop opposite Helsinki Cathedral. The lady in there may look lovely, but inside she has a heart of petty crime.

Speedos In The Atlantic

The Brazilian military has recovered the tail section of the ill-fated Air France plane that crashed into the Atlantic ocean the other week. For someone who is not entirely comfortable with air travel, this story has really terrified me. I’m ok for the majority of a flight but get a little uneasy come take off, a fit of turbulence, landing or plummeting into the sea. Whenever the pilot starts his descent I always put on Mogwai’s “Mogwai Fear Satan”, after many flights I decided this is the song I’d most like to die to.

What I found most interesting about the recovery of the debris is that it was discovered by a man wearing speedos. I’ve heard that speedos are very popular in Brazil, but surely not popular enough to be issued out by the military. This diver is in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, I’ve never donned my arm bands (I’m not a very good swimmer, you’ll regularly find me holding up the traffic in the swimming pool lanes)and gone for a splash there but I imagine it is mighty cold. Cold oceans certainly aren’t ideal for wearing speedos, they’re better suited for atmospheric diving suits.

For me this has become the true mystery of the story, not how the plane came to crash into the sea, but how Fabio (Fabio Capello likes to wear speedos, so this seems a suitable alias for him ) came to be wearing speedos in the middle of the ocean.

I like to think that he just got up that morning and knew that if he found that plane the world’s media would be interested in him. He spent a few hours I front of the mirror trying on various outfits, frog man suit, Ian Thorpe style all in one swimming costume, fancy dress clown outfit he’d rented out a few days previous, but none where right. Then the door bell rang, his lift to work had arrived, “Balls to it, I’ll just have to go in my speedos.”

3 Big Brother Victory Tactics

Summer is here and that with it comes Big Brother, it’s going to be hard to avoid as it is bound to take up 90% of Channel 4’s schedule (the other 10% is assigned for documentaries about people with feet for ears and other such ailments). Some of you may have watched the tonight’s show and thought; “Hey, I’m more likeable than all of those nutters, if I enter next year I’ll probably win!” Most of you won’t have thought that, but for those that did here are my top 3 tactics for guaranteed victory:

1. If you are first into the house, quickly gather all the food from the fridge and throw all of it and yourself into the largest kitchen cupboard available. Jam your foot against the door so no one can open it and sit there for the whole duration of the show. Your fellow housemates will think it is one of those fake cupboard handles you get and forget about it. I appreciate that this tactic is only for the toughest housemates, so I suggest you practise living in your own kitchen cupboards before you undertake this on national television. It’ll be worth it though, just for when the Geodie chap says “day 48, most of the housemates are by the pool, Barry is in the cupboard”.

2. Go into the house and do an impression of Brian Blessed relentlessly. It doesn’t matter how good or bad your impression is, in fact I think the worse it is the better. After I while of this your other housemates are likely to start to shun you, but keep up the act and victory is yours, “Gordon's alive!”

3. Here’s another one for if you’re the first to enter the house, it also requires a willingness to be aggressive and violent. When you enter the house drag the kitchen table outside and turn it on its side. Return to the house and collect everything that you could throw (cutlery, cups, chairs, bars of soap) and put it behind the table. Grab a colander and place it on your head as a helmet and then crouch behind your makeshift fort. When the next housemate enters the house and approaches the garden, warn them you have a vast arsenal of weapons and will throw them if they get any closer. Hold your fort untill you run out of ammunition, then calmly remove you helmet and go and introduce yourself to the housemates you have been peppering for the previous month.

I appreciate that these tactics require a lot of commitment and you’re likely to be very lonely in the house, but victory will be yours.

Barlow's Got Talent

The Britain’s Got Talent juggernaut finally came to an end on Saturday evening with Diversity getting a surprise victory. They had tough competition from global singing sensation Susan Boyle and a man who plays lift music on a saxophone. Diversity where worthy winners, but there was one man sitting in his country mansion who was less than impressed. Gary Barlow of Take That and mountain climbing fame had been following the competition closely. The trouble is that when you’re as talented as Mr Barlow, everyone else seems very amateur.

When And & Dec announced Diversity as the winners, Mr Barlow sat back in his throne and sarcastically clapped, “well done Diversity, you where great but me and the lads could of done that blindfolded,” he sniped. While Mr Barlow liked the premise of the show, he was not impressed with the talent served up. It was at this point that Mr Barlow though he’d take action and enter himself in next years show; in fact he’d create his own show to showcase all his talents, Barlow’s Got Talent.

Barlow’s Got Talent (or BGT) will be exactly the same format as Britain’s Got Talent (or BGT), but the twist is you have to be Gary Barlow to take part. Mr Barlow will showcase his wonderful singing, dancing, juggling (with watermelons), saxophone playing, singing like a small girl and then crying, Greek dancing, dog walking (complete with tap dance) and lifting heavy machinery with his ear lobes under the guise of his alter ego Danger Gary. Bookmakers have already made Greek dancing Barlow favourite to win the competition.

It’s going to be a huge hit and is sure to be syndicated throughout the world. Bono has already put his name forward as being the sole participant in Ireland’s version, Bono’s Got Talent (or BGT).