3 Big Brother Victory Tactics

Summer is here and that with it comes Big Brother, it’s going to be hard to avoid as it is bound to take up 90% of Channel 4’s schedule (the other 10% is assigned for documentaries about people with feet for ears and other such ailments). Some of you may have watched the tonight’s show and thought; “Hey, I’m more likeable than all of those nutters, if I enter next year I’ll probably win!” Most of you won’t have thought that, but for those that did here are my top 3 tactics for guaranteed victory:

1. If you are first into the house, quickly gather all the food from the fridge and throw all of it and yourself into the largest kitchen cupboard available. Jam your foot against the door so no one can open it and sit there for the whole duration of the show. Your fellow housemates will think it is one of those fake cupboard handles you get and forget about it. I appreciate that this tactic is only for the toughest housemates, so I suggest you practise living in your own kitchen cupboards before you undertake this on national television. It’ll be worth it though, just for when the Geodie chap says “day 48, most of the housemates are by the pool, Barry is in the cupboard”.

2. Go into the house and do an impression of Brian Blessed relentlessly. It doesn’t matter how good or bad your impression is, in fact I think the worse it is the better. After I while of this your other housemates are likely to start to shun you, but keep up the act and victory is yours, “Gordon's alive!”

3. Here’s another one for if you’re the first to enter the house, it also requires a willingness to be aggressive and violent. When you enter the house drag the kitchen table outside and turn it on its side. Return to the house and collect everything that you could throw (cutlery, cups, chairs, bars of soap) and put it behind the table. Grab a colander and place it on your head as a helmet and then crouch behind your makeshift fort. When the next housemate enters the house and approaches the garden, warn them you have a vast arsenal of weapons and will throw them if they get any closer. Hold your fort untill you run out of ammunition, then calmly remove you helmet and go and introduce yourself to the housemates you have been peppering for the previous month.

I appreciate that these tactics require a lot of commitment and you’re likely to be very lonely in the house, but victory will be yours.