Blogger Bomb

I've moved my blog to http://panda64.wordpress.com/ , I had enough of Blogger cocking up the spacing of paragraphs and the generally shit content of this blog (definitely not my fault). Why not got to the new one? It's just as shit but at least the paragraphs will correctly space.

Bye.

Obama Needs A Holiday

A silly letter I've written to US Ambassador to the UK, Louis Susman. He seems rather nice so I'm sure he'll give my proposition a lot of though.

Ambassador Louis Susman

American Embassy

24-31 Grosvenor Square
London 

W1A 1AE

Dear Mr Susman


Subject; Leading The USA (for two weeks)

Let me start with a quote.

'Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society'.

I love this quote from the great American Mark Twain, I read it around twenty times a day, and every time it inspires me to put another layer of clothes on. So by the end of the day I am far from naked, I'm an influential ball of cotton, ready to step (roll) outside and take on the world. I hope this insight in to my daily routine underlines my credentials for this role I seek. What role I hear you ask? Patience Mr Susman, allow me to explain.


My name is Alex Ander, I have been working as a freelance world leader for around two weeks. This means that I'm available to run any country in the world nearly all year (I can't do the weekend of the 16th of October, there's a orchard keepers convention that I'm due to sing at). 

So my proposition to your world famous country is that whenever your wonderful leader President Barack Obama wants to have a break (for instance, a self catering holiday in Benidorm), I step in and take the reigns. I think I'm suitable for this role as I have mediated over 30 (31) domestic disputes in my life, and I suppose running a country is just like a domestic dispute but with more speeches (though I do tend to sign off domestic disputes with a speech).

Now I must get on to the tricky subject of payment. I have very competitive rates if you wish to pay in me in US Dollars, alternatively I would also do this work for no monetary gain. Instead I would do the work in exchange for a spot on Mount Rushmoor. I have been practising my pose and would be available to sit in front of the Mountain as a life model for as many years as it takes to finish, obviously apart from the 16th of October. Here is an artist's (I'm not really an artist) impression of how the finished article may look.

I have attached my CV which I'm sure will highlight why I am over qualified for this job. If you are worried about my nationality causing a problem, don't worry! I have always lived on a canal boat in international waters so have no nationality. The return address goes to my dubious accountant in the UK who rows out to me to deliver my mail once a decade.

Thanks in advance

Kind regards

Alex Ander

Freelance World Leader

I recently decided I needed a career change. I was fed up of the lack of opportunities in the cosmonaut sector, so decided to become a Freelance World Leader. I think I might be the only one on earth so securing a job is going to be easy.

I've spent the last week writing to every country in the world in alphabetical order, asking for a job, as their temporary president. I'm on to the Cs now, it turns out that there are many, many countries.

Here is the letter I've sent to the Albanian ambassador to the UK, Zef Mazi:

Embassy Of The Brilliant Republic Of Albania

33 St. George’s Drive

London

SW1V 4DG

7/02/2010

Dear Mr. Zef Mazi

Subject; Leading The Brilliant Republic Of Albania (for two weeks)

I hope you are well Mr Mazi. Before you ask, yes I'm well too.

Did you notice I put the word 'brilliant' in to the name of your country? This would be my first decree in my short stint in charge or The Brilliant Republic Of Albania. But of course I'm getting ahead of myself here, please let me explain.

My name is Alex Voakes, I have been working as a Freelance World Leader for around two weeks. This means that I'm available to run any country in the world nearly all year (I can't do January 23rd, It's somebody's birthday. I can't recall whose it is? Do you know?). So as far as I can tell I'm the most flexible World Leader on earth (time wise, my muscles are very tight). 

So my proposition to your great country of The Brilliant Republic Of Albania is that whenever your wonderful leader Bamir Topi wants to have a break (for instance a trip to the zoo), I step in and run the ship (country). 

I love The Brilliant Republic Of Albania, I have even written a song to sing on my inauguration, I think the Worldwide television audience is going to love it. It is sung to the tune of Peter Andre's 'Insania', I do hope you like it.

I've had a look around

It was Albania I found

Am I what you need?

Yes, I can satisfy your greed

This is my brilliant regime

I'm following my dreams

I'm the World's best Freelance Leader

CHORUS

Do do do do do

Do do do do do

Do do do do do

I lead Albania

Do do do do do

Do do do do do

Do do do do do

I love Albania!

I think the performance would only need around 400 traditional Albanian dancers, and perhaps a 500 gun salute. Also, would President Topi be interested in composing a rap to go with the song, it could symbolise the transfer of power (from him, to me).

I have attached my CV which I'm sure will highlight why I am over qualified for this job. If you are worried about my nationality causing a problem, don't worry! I have always lived on a canal boat in International waters so have no Nationality! Another hurdle vaulted!

Thanks in advance

Kind regards

Alex Voakes

Duck Kiev

This is a short story of the strangest thing I've ever seen. Parts of this tale may be false as I was in such a state of confusion at the time that the details are a bit hazy. 

First a very small amount of context. I was driving a car from London to Mongolia, my Fiat Panda rolled in to Kiev on the 14th of July 2008. I was growing a moustache. That's all the context you're getting, you'll have to imagine my stench yourself (Fun huh? Of course it is!).

Our band of weary travellers entered the city of Kiev with very low morale. We had spent the previous night camped by a lake just outside the city that had an extraordinary amount of used condoms lying around. It could well have been a popular dogging spot, or maybe a condom recycling plant, I have little idea.

As we followed signs for the centre of town, we began to look for somewhere to eat. With a very limited grasp on the Cyrillic alphabet this was proving to be quite difficult. Wait! What's this on the horizon? It looks like the indistinct concrete of a shopping mall! We're saved! (This has been dramatised somewhat, the actual exchange was probably more like, 'Is that a shopping centre?', 'yes, we should eat', 'yes, we probably should'.)  

We parked up in the spacious car park. The car park attendants where wearing blue camouflage, when they weren't blending in to the grey concrete surroundings they looked pretty good. 

At first this mall seemed to be identical to every other one in the world. For such a bland format it's certainly very popular, much like water. But then we came across something very strange indeed, a red carpet leading in to a fountain. It was roped off and guarded by some handsome men in tuxedos, there was a crowd gathering around. How exciting! We had wandered in to a shopping mall and were going to be treated to a celebrity appearance while we were there. But why was this celebrity going to wander down the red carpet and in to a fountain? Perhaps they were a swimmer, yes that's it, it must be a famous swimmer. The famous swimmer was going to walk around the corner and then splash about in the small fountain.

We waited, the excitement was building. Then a tinny fan fare rang through the mall, the show was about to begin, some yelped with excitement, I was sporting my stern, curious face. The famous swimmer was about to be unveiled.

This is were the details get a little bit hazy as confusion and shock left me disorientated, and alone, I was so alone. Instead of the human we were expecting to take to the red carpet, a raft of ducks waddled around the corner, marched down the red carpet and in to the fountain. The crowd were delighted, the smart security guards were non nonplussed, they'd seen it all before, I was speechless.

Here is photographic some photographic evidence. The grand piano you can see here was being played by a giant stuffed bear.

I've never been the same since this day.