TV history was made this week, Keith Chegwin's 'Naked Jungle' was surpassed as the worst programme ever broadcast on these isles. 'Live From Studio Five' is a daily magazine show on Five, and it is awful.
Five's website describe the show as:
'An early evening news and entertainment show with a difference. A mix of celebrity interviews, gossip and banter wrapped around a popular news agenda that everyone's talking about.'
The 'difference' they refer to is, while something like 'The One Show' is shit, 'Live From Studio Five' is really shit.
I'm probably the only person in the country who Sky+s (yes, that is definitely a word) this show everyday. I will now report some of the horrors I've witnessed in its first week.
The first thing you will notice when tuning in is the brightness of Studio Five's lights. They should be commended for the scientific breakthrough of creating lights as bright as the sun, unfortunately such powerful lights aren't ideal for a TV show. One of the millions of ways these lights could be put to better use is to send them up to the International Space Station, and then shine a constant spotlight on Mick Hucknall, hopefully he might get annoyed.
Our hosts for this hour of first class entertainment are Ian Wright (Wrighty), Melinda Messenger and Kate Walsh (one of the rascals from The Apprentice). A triumvirate strong enough to warrant 5 hours of prime TV a week? Unfortunately not, they simply spend the whole hour shouting over each other. If 'Wrighty' isn't making an idiotic comment he's mumbling under his breath about the idiotic comment one of his co presenters has said. It is initially infuriating hearing them constantly interrupting each other, but it becomes a real highlight the show it. So much so that I start to get irritated when they are allowing each other to finish their sentences.
Your probably wondering how the trio cope with some serious subjects like the Trident debate. Well it was certainly an angle on the story that I hadn't heard in the more traditional news outlets. They covered the story alongside one about saving panda bears. Melinda thought it was absolutely crucial that we scrapped all the Trident submarines, and spent all the money on 'saving the pandas'. A noble cause, but Wrighty wasn't impressed, 'what about all the other animals?', quite right Wrighty, what would become of all the other animals? A sobering thought.
Another important subjects we are treated to is Heidi Klum's baby bump. Our heroes are all astounded by the sheer size of it, Kate speculates that she may be giving birth to a walrus. Wrighty hasn't said anything regarding the bump yet, but wait, another picture shows her standing next to Seal (rose kisser), Wrighty sees his opportunity and chimes in with 'LOOK AT THE SIZE OF HIS HEAD!'.
Unfortunately the two girls missed the Seal's hefty cranium, instead of seamlessly moving on Wrighty insists they look at the photo again. We have to wait for about a minute before the production crew manage to get the picture back up, as we hear is Wrighty's mumbling assurances at how big Seal's head is. The tension was unbearable as they unveiled Seal's head once more, as it turned out, Seal does have a big head, Wrighty was delighted.
After teasing all ten of their viewers for the past hour about this interview, it's finally here. The world stands still, Kate Walsh meets Danny Dyer. After some mild flirting between the star duo, conversation turns to Danny Dyer's new film 'Jack Said'. Now let's go back to Five's description of this show, 'a popular news agenda that everyone's talking about', I don't think even Dyer's parents or his deadly friends are talking about his new film. Oh yes, he must be one of their celebrity interviews, their terrible celebrity interviews.
Seek out this train wreck while you can, as it's not going to be around for long. We'll miss it when it's gone.
