Speedos In The Atlantic

The Brazilian military has recovered the tail section of the ill-fated Air France plane that crashed into the Atlantic ocean the other week. For someone who is not entirely comfortable with air travel, this story has really terrified me. I’m ok for the majority of a flight but get a little uneasy come take off, a fit of turbulence, landing or plummeting into the sea. Whenever the pilot starts his descent I always put on Mogwai’s “Mogwai Fear Satan”, after many flights I decided this is the song I’d most like to die to.

What I found most interesting about the recovery of the debris is that it was discovered by a man wearing speedos. I’ve heard that speedos are very popular in Brazil, but surely not popular enough to be issued out by the military. This diver is in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, I’ve never donned my arm bands (I’m not a very good swimmer, you’ll regularly find me holding up the traffic in the swimming pool lanes)and gone for a splash there but I imagine it is mighty cold. Cold oceans certainly aren’t ideal for wearing speedos, they’re better suited for atmospheric diving suits.

For me this has become the true mystery of the story, not how the plane came to crash into the sea, but how Fabio (Fabio Capello likes to wear speedos, so this seems a suitable alias for him ) came to be wearing speedos in the middle of the ocean.

I like to think that he just got up that morning and knew that if he found that plane the world’s media would be interested in him. He spent a few hours I front of the mirror trying on various outfits, frog man suit, Ian Thorpe style all in one swimming costume, fancy dress clown outfit he’d rented out a few days previous, but none where right. Then the door bell rang, his lift to work had arrived, “Balls to it, I’ll just have to go in my speedos.”

3 Big Brother Victory Tactics

Summer is here and that with it comes Big Brother, it’s going to be hard to avoid as it is bound to take up 90% of Channel 4’s schedule (the other 10% is assigned for documentaries about people with feet for ears and other such ailments). Some of you may have watched the tonight’s show and thought; “Hey, I’m more likeable than all of those nutters, if I enter next year I’ll probably win!” Most of you won’t have thought that, but for those that did here are my top 3 tactics for guaranteed victory:

1. If you are first into the house, quickly gather all the food from the fridge and throw all of it and yourself into the largest kitchen cupboard available. Jam your foot against the door so no one can open it and sit there for the whole duration of the show. Your fellow housemates will think it is one of those fake cupboard handles you get and forget about it. I appreciate that this tactic is only for the toughest housemates, so I suggest you practise living in your own kitchen cupboards before you undertake this on national television. It’ll be worth it though, just for when the Geodie chap says “day 48, most of the housemates are by the pool, Barry is in the cupboard”.

2. Go into the house and do an impression of Brian Blessed relentlessly. It doesn’t matter how good or bad your impression is, in fact I think the worse it is the better. After I while of this your other housemates are likely to start to shun you, but keep up the act and victory is yours, “Gordon's alive!”

3. Here’s another one for if you’re the first to enter the house, it also requires a willingness to be aggressive and violent. When you enter the house drag the kitchen table outside and turn it on its side. Return to the house and collect everything that you could throw (cutlery, cups, chairs, bars of soap) and put it behind the table. Grab a colander and place it on your head as a helmet and then crouch behind your makeshift fort. When the next housemate enters the house and approaches the garden, warn them you have a vast arsenal of weapons and will throw them if they get any closer. Hold your fort untill you run out of ammunition, then calmly remove you helmet and go and introduce yourself to the housemates you have been peppering for the previous month.

I appreciate that these tactics require a lot of commitment and you’re likely to be very lonely in the house, but victory will be yours.

Barlow's Got Talent

The Britain’s Got Talent juggernaut finally came to an end on Saturday evening with Diversity getting a surprise victory. They had tough competition from global singing sensation Susan Boyle and a man who plays lift music on a saxophone. Diversity where worthy winners, but there was one man sitting in his country mansion who was less than impressed. Gary Barlow of Take That and mountain climbing fame had been following the competition closely. The trouble is that when you’re as talented as Mr Barlow, everyone else seems very amateur.

When And & Dec announced Diversity as the winners, Mr Barlow sat back in his throne and sarcastically clapped, “well done Diversity, you where great but me and the lads could of done that blindfolded,” he sniped. While Mr Barlow liked the premise of the show, he was not impressed with the talent served up. It was at this point that Mr Barlow though he’d take action and enter himself in next years show; in fact he’d create his own show to showcase all his talents, Barlow’s Got Talent.

Barlow’s Got Talent (or BGT) will be exactly the same format as Britain’s Got Talent (or BGT), but the twist is you have to be Gary Barlow to take part. Mr Barlow will showcase his wonderful singing, dancing, juggling (with watermelons), saxophone playing, singing like a small girl and then crying, Greek dancing, dog walking (complete with tap dance) and lifting heavy machinery with his ear lobes under the guise of his alter ego Danger Gary. Bookmakers have already made Greek dancing Barlow favourite to win the competition.

It’s going to be a huge hit and is sure to be syndicated throughout the world. Bono has already put his name forward as being the sole participant in Ireland’s version, Bono’s Got Talent (or BGT).